Sent: Tuesday, September 15, 2009 11:25:38 PM
Subject: SUNDAY WAS GRANDPARENTS DAY, WASN'T IT?.

Dearest Ikabod, Ara Pot, Miguelitong Baby, Nikolai, Tam-Tam, Tish-Tish, Bola,

Super Love, Bambino, Ryan, Gia, Gio, Brianna,

 

Love is what we say it is.  Loving is what we make of it. The opposite of love is not hate but apathy.  The opposite of "I love you" is not "I hate you" but "I don't care", "who cares? or "Bahala ka sa buhay mo." 

 

Without relationship, man would just be a theoretical ego so having a mother, a father, a grandparent, cousins, maids etc. are important. We can choose our friends but not our family.  In other words, like it or not, we are to love one another because we have no choice. I'm not complaining.  I wouldn't swap one of you for all the riches in the world. 

 

I would like to be remembered when I am no longer around as a loving person.

Kindness, compassion, empathy are traits I would like to have. How nice if my loved ones (you) would help me remember to always be kind, compassionate in my dealings with others especially those who are less fortunate.  Humility, a trait I lack, I am learning rather late, is the common denominator of loving persons.  Opposite of this virtue is arrogance, self-righteousness, characteristic traits of judgmental people, high IQ but low EQ. 

 

Forgive, do not judge, they say, are the hardest lessons to learn in life but they can be learned. That's why there are conflicts.  That's why relationships go haywire. 

 

Sucessful  parents are those who have raised loving children.  When their children think only of themselves, that's parenting failure, according to Fr. Guido. There are children who are successful in bringing up parents.

 

I was very young when I got married and raised four sons one of them your father..  Children inherit their parents' set of values but they can improve on them especially on the negative ones.  Values simply means what's important or what's essential. For me, intellectual honesty is the most essential, next only to love, purity of intent and nobility of purpose.  The golden rule is the simplest but it's also the most ignored.  Love and Respect too for the feelings of others is another tried and tested formula for peace and happiness ... it's what makes a house a home.  Unhappiness in a home is a collective shortcoming. The strength of a chain is measured by its weakest link.

 

Our home and family life isn't one that we can offer as one that is made in heaven.

but it isn't that bad either. Look around, there are worse cases.  And I am sure it can be improved each time we gather over Sunday lunch with love in our hearts,  open communications, healthy  dialogues, solution oriented discussions of not so good situations.  Self-criticism makes us less harsh on others, constructive criticisms with suggestions for improvement will work for the common good.  

 

Anyway, all I know is that Love is all there is.  I am willing to be corrected.

 

Affectionately, gratefully,

Lola O





At around 9:00 am on September 21, our family had a meeting in the main branch of our art gallery, Heritage, about the family business.  They stressed that us grandkids are the future of the company and that we should take responsibility for it.  Afterwards we began with cleaning up the place and filing papers, just pretty much helping out in fixing up the place.  Due to a previous appointment I had made I left around lunchtime.  Now sometime after lunch, Ara noticed a twitch above Lola's left eye. Lola asked for a glass of water and instead of drinking it asked someone pour it over her head. A few moments later she passed out and was immediately rushed to St. Luke's.  The CT scan showed a hemorrhage and apparently based on the amount of blood it could have happened up to a week or two prior to her attack.

The doctors said that if they operated on her she wouldn't survive and even if she did, she would be a vegetable.  So basically they pretty much said that they were just waiting for her to die.  They suggested that she be transferred to a private room so the rest of the family could visit and spend some time with her before she "expired."  Following my Lola's wishes, my dad signed a waiver form that said she should not be revived and to stop the medication being given to her because according to one of the doctors it wasn't doing anything.  Our family made it a point not to tell anyone outside of our immediate family because Lola mentioned that if she was ever hospitalized she did not want any visits from her friends.

I only found out she was confined when I called up my dad at 6:00pm when I was on my way home.  He told me Lola didn't have that much time left.  When I arrived my mom asked if I heard the news.  I said I did.  She asked if I wanted to go to the hospital.  I said maybe tomorrow.  Honestly aside from being scared, I was hoping that it was nothing and that Lola would be sent home soon.  My dad got home at around 9:00 and when we asked him how Lola was doing he just shook his head and told us to prepare for the worst.  It all seemed so surreal.  Just that morning she was telling us to get our act together because Lolo Mario didn't have that much longer to live since he was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and now she was the one in the hospital.

At 10:30 pm Nicole called and asked if I could go to the hospital.  Having been absent almost the entire week from work due to a sickness the week before, I said I had work the following day and would stop by during lunch.  Ara then took the phone and begged me to go, saying that Lola could go anytime.  Eventually I gave in and said I would be there.  Given the still very much unresolved conflict between me and my Lola, I couldn't help but feel worried that I was the one she was waiting for.  I thought that maybe if I didn't go she would will herself to feel better so that she could go home and we could talk about things.

I went with Brianna, my mom and Josh.  My dad opted to stay at home.  We got to Lola's room at around 11:45.  I was shocked.  She was lying there, unconscious, hooked up to all these machines.  She couldn't even breathe by herself.  Tito Alex, Ara, Tammy and Nicole were sitting around her and quietly talking about the days events.  My mom and Ara were both aware about what happened between me, Lola and Dave.  Since Dave was able to talk to her already, they insisted that I spend time alone with Lola to make my peace with her.  Even though she couldn't respond, they assured me that she would be able to hear and understand me.  Then they all left me.

I was at a loss.  I had no idea what I wanted to say to her.  I ended up just crying for several minutes before I started talking.  I moved closer to her bed.  I decided to talk to her normally. I told her that for once, I could talk all I want and she was forced to listen to me.  Her heart rate went up before going back down.  I took this as a good sign that she found it funny.  Then came the serious part.  I told her it was unfair that we were never able to talk about what happened, and that the last memory that she had of me was when me raising my voice at her we had our disagreement and me avoiding being near her.  I told her I was sorry and told her that I was just so frustrated that I had no idea how to deal with my emotions.  I said I read her letter and that I felt bad that I wasn't able to properly respond.  I said I knew how sorry she was about what happened between us and that I didn't want her to die not knowing how sorry I was about the entire thing.  Before I knew it I was rambling on and on about anything and everything.  I even told her that I thought I had ADHD.  Having pretty much made my peace and believing that she heard and understood everything, I told her I loved her and not to worry because I knew she loved me too.  Her letter said it all.  I jokingly told her not to go into the light just yet and prayed with her for healing and salvation.  I just finished talking when everyone else came back.  Even though I wanted to spend more time alone with her I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I felt comforted and assured that things were all right between us.

We left at around 2:30 am.  I only managed to fall asleep at around 6:00 am.  My mom woke me up at around 1:00 pm and told me that my dad told us to go to the hospital immediately.  On the way there I received a text from one of the maids, asking me to bring my Lola's favorite outfit.  Brianna asked if it meant that Lola was fine and needed something to wear going home, but I was fearing the worst.  As soon as we arrived at St. Luke's at 2:05 I saw Ara and Trisha going down the stairs.  Ara shook her head as soon as she saw me and said "She's gone."

And that was it.  My grandmother, Odette Alcantara, passed away on September 22, 2009 in St. Luke's room 2004 at 1:50pm.

They called us inside her room for the prayer and the blessing of her body.  Then came the final farewell.  The first one who stood up was Lolo Mario, who put his arm around her and softly planted a kiss on her forehead.  I heard my mom, titas and cousins start crying.  I started crying when I saw his face crumple as he made his way back to his seat.  As soon as he sat down he looked up at Ara and said "wala na siya."  This really got to me, since my grandparents are separated.  But even though they didn't end up together you could just see how much love he had for her.  When it was my dad's turn to say goodbye, he also kissed Lola and said "Bye mommy" and made his way to the corner where he tried to get a hold of himself as he started sobbing.  I hate seeing my dad cry.

As soon as he calmed down he started making arrangements for her cremation.  Dave, Josh and I accompanied her body to the morgue and waited while Loyola sent the men to pick her up.  While at the billing office, I found out that her death certificate said her cause of death was a Massive Stroke/Aneurysm.  We were able to get everything settled by 6:00 and it was almost 7:00 when we left to go to the crematorium.  After prepping her up they brought her out for everyone to see one last time.  We were amused that they put make up on her.  Lola O never wore make up.  But in all fairness, she looked good.  When it was done, we brought her ashes home and found several of her friends and neighbors already waiting for us outside, ready to comfort our family and probably to seek comfort themselves.

It's hard to believe that all of this happened just 2 weeks ago.  It feels like it's been forever.  Us grandkids ended up taking over the preparations for the celebration of her life (she stressed that she did not want a wake because she did not want people mourning) since our dads handed the control over to us.  We collaborated with her friends from her organizations and we were all so touched at the outpouring of support we received from her friends.  We always knew that Lola O was a social butterfly but we never realized how many lives she touched and how many people truly cared for her and mourned her passing.

Her 9th day celebration was on Oct 1, which would have been her 69th birthday.  After that, we stopped welcoming guests.  I guess my family and I never really had the time to properly grieve, being so busy entertaining her visitors that now that it's over the pain is just setting in.  The fact that she really is gone is weighing heavily in my mind.  She'll never come back.  I will miss a lot of things about my Lola.  Like no matter how old my cousins and I get, whenever Lola O looked at us and said "you're the most..." we'd  be compelled to answer "beautiful _____ girl in the world." With an amused expression on her face, Lola would follow it up with a "and your name is...",  and us saying our special nicknames.  I was her most "beautiful ponga girl" and she called me "Ikabod."  I will also miss the way she'd say "I love you baby girl", which we would reply with "I love you Lola O."  And for the boys she'd whistle a song, and make them continue it.  Given her love for angels, she made an angel song with all of our names in it and sometimes make us sing it whenever we'd get together.  This was something that Lola O reserved only for us grandkids.  It made us feel special and loved.

To be honest, I still sometimes get caught off-guard and start feeling depressed or sad.  I was told that I would never get over the grief and it was something that I would have to get used to.  It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I'm trying and I think I'm getting there.  For now I'll just be happy that she's in a better place, her own personal paradise where the air is fresh, the skies blue, the land lush and green, and where her ultimate goal of zero basura exists.